A long ass blog!!

So here I am, falling behind on my goals but still attempting them.  This isnt the reason for todays blog.  I feel just so out of it, frustrated and alot like a failure, and really need to flesh it out-so sorry peeps!  I have struggled with my weight since I was born practically.  I have medical issues that have held me back in different ways at different times.  And currently I dont have a job. I quite my job a year ago, I worked for my dad and it just got to be to much of an emotional drain for me.  My sister also worked there-and we have never gotten along.  It was an issue of never really having a set list of this is what you do at your job. Yes there was billing and ebay, but beyond that it was whatever they had for me whether it was inventory counting, shipping, light repetitive menufacturing (making ditty bags or two ball and tee packs) or just cleaning.  And it really got frustrating to be treated as lowest man on the totem pole, even though I wasnt the newest employee.  So needless to say, I know my dad was helping me by giving me a job, but I quit.  And looking back, I really am happy about my choice.  But a year has passed, I feel so bad that I am not helping to keep the house afloat.  But I really enjoy my time at home and sometimes wish I could be a stay at home wife (cook/clean/whatever). Pretty much that is what I do now. I dont know, I am sick of  really hearing about money and how if we had x we can do y.  This last month was hard on me guilt wise about money.  We have a large medical bill, a large dental bill, and our regular expenses.

So also I have really struggled with my weight and weight loss my whole life. I have had highs and lows of weight happyness, and really until I started this list I was more on the happier side of weight happyness.  I have delt with parents getting mad at me for eating sweets from their stash, my dad bribeing me to loose weight and my parents telling me how i need to watch what i am eating cuz diabetes runs in the family.  Seriously-shut up, dont you think I think about this myself enough?  Help me/support me-dont just tell me what i need to do. I am just really frustrated about my weight. I know I have to do it, and I have to choose to do it, but i know i really need support to stay on track, and hubby isnt that good when it comes to diet support-he tells me what i want to hear-not what i need to hear.  I know he loves me for who I am, but would like me to loose weight. It is just so hard to stay motivated on my own.  But I am going to try something new - not beating my self up and changing how I think. I am "trying" to get rid of the word diet from my vocabulary and change it with lifestyle change.  As a part of my lifestyle change I am going to only tackle one or two change per month.  Once it becomes habit or at least stuck to and scheduled, I will add a new lifestyle change goal.  So far I have crossed water drinking off my list of lifestyle goals as I regularly drink 2-3 liters a day.  As of tommorow a new lifestyle goal will be added.  I have dabbled in the arena before, but never really stuck to it.  A biggie goal on my 101 in 1001 is to walk a half marathon. Well officially I start training tommorow with Kevin. He has decided to join me. I asked him though that if he says yes-he needs to not say oh im tired on a day or something, he has to stick with it so i can stick with it.  I am a little nervous and excited at the same time.  It will be something for kevin and I to do together that is free and might help us connect a little more.  I am nervous because I hurt my back the weekend of our trip (clutzo me) and it still bothers me a bit, but i am sure excersize in the long run will be good.  So after I have successfuly integrated excersize into my routine I plan to adjust how i eat, now granted I am not going to go all out now, but I will have mini goals that go along with eating change.  Another goal that i have in terms of lifestyle changes, I have decided this month would be a good month to give up soda.  We are only one week into the month but i am doing good!! No soda for me!! I am very tempted though! We recently bought a bunch of two liter bottles of soda for the party and they are still sitting in the family room... So they are tempting but I will be ok-I think!! 

So in other goals, I finished a bigg ass digital scrapbook!!! woot woot!!  It is for an anniversary for someone I love. I promise to put a picture or two up here of the pages.  I did finish another book-I know rare right?? It was the rosie odonnel book "celebrity detox" good book!  Now I am reading "The Increadable Henry House"  I am really diggin the book-check it out if you like reading about the 40's and 50's. Um, other than that I havent done many of the goals, but i have another year and a half!! :p!  Ok peace out peeps!  Gotta go swish & swipe my bathroom!!