Babys on the Brain

So today is another non goal list topic-sorry!  Ok so Kevin and I call the days were you hear a song, or you see pictures or whatever that remind you of kids, and your wanting of kids-Baby on the Brain days. He seems to only have this for an hour or so and usually triggered by music-i usually have it for most of the day. I am not sure what exactly triggers mine-but none the less today is baby on the brain for me.  Those days suck in my mind. I usually get so anxious about why i believe i cant have a baby or concieve. Then I end up googleing plus size pregnant and i see all the warning signs and everything.  I really think my anxiety for doing one of the goals ( cant remember the number) about calling and making an appointment with a reproductive endocrinoligst is because I am so affraid of being turned down for services because of my weight. As I have stated before my weight causes me alot of stress and anxiety.  I really want to have children and have a family. Sometimes I say to my self, " Is it really worth it." And with that I mean-is it worth it for me to go throuh all this stress and anxiety just to bring a life into the world. It is hard-i have a negetive view on people who judge me by my weight-and usually doctors are the ones who cause me the most anxiety. I dont even want to call and schedule genetic testing like my endo said I should do. I am scared at the my chance of passing this all on to a child. I know how hard it was with my parents when I was born-and Im not sure that I want a kid that has to suffer with this illness.  Another thing about starting out fertility is I am really scarred at the weight I will gain.  I am currently at one of my higher weights, wich really irritats me. I know Kevin wants kids-I have been told by a few people that I'm not getting any younger-boy do i ever know that! I will be 30 in august-thats a whole different topic for a different day.  So along with the weight issues, If i were to get pregnant I think I would be happy but petrofied at the same time to tell my parents. I would be scarred because of the money issue and of caurse the weight issues. I guess I just really scared of each aspect of haveing a kid.  I really dont know any one in my specific place and alot of times I really feel alone. I feel alone on the baby front and on the weight front. I hate to talk again about weight, but it really irritates me. People will say-oh just do this or that more-Soo much more easier said than done. I even really feel alone on these topics within my marriage. Kevin knows my concerns-but he seems very non shalont (sp) about it. 

So on to other things. Tonight I am eating a new food again! woohoo!! They are called Larabar. It is a vegan unprocessed bar of fruit and nuts-I chose cinnamon roll-pretty good-not that great to use it as a granola bar everyday-but good enough for once in a while. It is 210cal, of wich 100 are fat cals-mostly from the nuts.Has some fiber-4g, but in my opinion a lot of sugar, but it is all fructos (sugar from fruit). The texture of the bar is slightly strange-it is like eating raisons-squishy like.  Ok so on to my picture of the day. This time again it comes from a picture I took a year ago on my SLR.  Also today I am happy that we were able to move our couches back in place last night! yeah!  I am thankful for being able to look at my faults in like and work on correcting them!